Wondering Why...

For the past few months, and really, the past couple years, I have wondered why things at my 'old church' had gone sour. I think I convinced myself as to why, but were they foolish reasons?

Maybe I am overreacting, but I feel very left out of many things that I probably would be part of still had it not been for how I felt about the church and its people. Two or more years ago, I was under the spell of cynicism that was cast by my own vision and that of a young man whom I was desparate to fall in love with.

The people at the church seemed very closed minded. I am not talking about anything regarding 'experiences' of any carnal nature. That is not for me to judge about. What I mean is, folks seemed very clique-oriented. I think I began to feel this way the most when some friends started pointing it out and when I finally began to feel out-of-the-loop. I had not attended occasionally and when I would come back (when work would allow), everyone was building new memories and laughing at jokes that I didn't get. All because work was too demanding, I didn't attend.

I regret letting work take over my life as it did. I was miserable. The girls I worked with were great sometimes, but the overall experience was enough to make me cry - frequently. I wish I had insisted that I have the later half of the day on Sundays off. I wish I had had enough integrity to leave from work and go straight to the church instead of falling to the 'I'm too tired' route.

Maybe then I would be attending my old friends' or would-have-been friends' weddings. I don't know what those are like for them, and all I see are pictures. I don't know if I will get to know what it is like considering who I am with and his experiences.

Perhaps I am overreacting, as I mentioned before. Perhaps I will find some new folks to mingle with where I am. Maybe I'll be with the 'IN crowd' again.

It's funny, I like to think of myself as so much of an independent-minded person, as do many people, but we all need friends. I am at a time in my life where I should be cheering on my friends as they meet their significant other at the end of the aisle, say their vows, and make their parents cry.