No Currency in Good Intentions

Just listening to a familiar song by a familiar artist. It reminds me that my hands are full. My brain is full and my heart is aching.

This past week, it was a fiasco.

I attempted to pull off a meeting. Didn't quite work. One mom was asked to pull together an agenda. I had my own - with not a lot on it, because I didn't have much to say - but majority of what was discussed was on the mom's agenda. I was duped, I suppose. I didn't realize it, and I don't know if I even realize it right now.

The discussion tonight between the person who should have been able to attend the meeting but couldn't really left me tired and anxious. I don't know how to be assertive with this person and when it seems as though, from the way she brought up what had happened on Monday, I was an egomaniacal sponge for the praise I was plastered with on Monday, I took it personally. I don't know how NOT to take it personally.

Somehow, though I was supposedly duped, I feel like this person distrusts our friendship because of this past week. I didn't want the responsibility of this past week, I stated it and I felt like something was going to go wrong. Something did get out of hand and it made the person who is supposed to be in charge of this whole thing look bad, which was not my intention, and I feel like it's caused irreparable damage.

I don't know if it actually is irreparable, but it seems that it is. As soon as this play is finished, I'll feel better. I said it in an IM that best friends shouldn't work together, and wow, is it ever true.

I think part of the problem is that I am still reflecting on the little 6th grader versus 9th grader scenario that happened so long ago. The dominitive personality versus the passive personality. 12 years of this and then working together is a test that I feel like I have failed more than once because I cannot speak up at the proper time, in the appropriate way. I don't know how to with this one person because I feel bad when something might need pointed out. I know that it is the friend's role to point out the tough stuff, but I haven't done so. I don't want to. I want to be the supporter. If someone else wants to point out things, go right ahead. I'll keep to myself.

I'm not an egomaniacal person. I was horribly uncomfortable at that meeting. I should have said more in favor of Meg, but I suppose that I felt that it had already been said so much and they WEREN'T GETTING IT! Or they did and wouldn't acknowledge it. Bastards.